37 Thoughts I Had While Buying A Bikini

As you might have picked up from my blog, I live in San Diego (a.k.a. beach central).  I’ve spent the majority of my life in coastal towns, and yet I have gone many full years without ever going to the beach or getting in a pool.  I always say it’s because I don’t like the beach, but that’s not entirely truthful.  I could do without the sand for sure, but I really do love being near the ocean. The crashing waves, the people watching, the familiar din of a crowded beach front… it’s breathtaking.

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So what keeps me away?  What could possibly make a California girl, so obsessed with her golden state that she got it tattooed on her arm, stay away from the main costal attraction?  You guessed it – the bathing suit thing.  “Thing” isn’t the right word exactly… it’s more like an “ordeal”.  An ordeal that can quickly send me down a spiraling tunnel of anxiety and terror.  As I’ve talked about in my other posts, I have suffered from eating disorders for many years, as well as a form of body dysmorphia, meaning I can’t see my body the way others do.  A thousand people could tell me that my arms look just like normal arms, and I would swear that every last one of them was lying right to my face.

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There’s no quick answer or cure for getting over this – I’m simply trying little by little.  Challenging myself here and there, so eventually things don’t seem so dire.  Basically, it’s self-inflicted exposure therapy.  The reason I keep pushing myself is because the further my recovery progresses, the more fully-formed glimpses I have of what life can be like addiction-free.  And let me tell you, it’s a beautiful, brightly-colored world full of amazing possibilities.  My eating disorder only lets me see it through a pane of extremely thick glass so that everything becomes pale and distorted.  Slowly though, I’m chipping away.

The reason I write about it publicly is because it’s very likely that others are going through the exact same thing.  I put myself out there in case of a needed connection.  If you’re reading this and you need one, just know – I’m here.

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So that brings me to today’s topic – buying a bathing suit!  I actually managed to accomplish that insane feat today – in fact, I bought a bikini!   I gotta say, I’m feeling pretty proud of myself right about now.  Then I thought, why don’t I challenge myself even more and post some photos in my new bikini?  People do it every day!  But something in the back of my mind was telling me I didn’t deserve to post bikini photos because, obviously, I’m not anywhere near in shape.  Cue the chain reaction of anxiety and doubt.

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Albus Dumbledore once said, “Fear of a name only increases fear of the thing itself.”  As long as I keep fearing the idea of people seeing me in a bathing suit, the scarier the actual act will be.   So I decided to just go for it!  And I thought I’d add some humor to it as well, kind of like facing a boggart.  Below, please enjoy a list of 37 thoughts I had while buying a bikini.  If I can wear a bikini, so can you 🙂

37 Thoughts I Had While Buying A Bikini

***Profanity warning***

  1. Ugh, the mall is such a weird place.  Will malls even exist in 100 years?  They’re just so weird.
  2. Ooh, this boutique sells bikinis!  Never heard of it, but I guess I’ll look.
  3. Literally everything in here is a size 0 or 2.  What is this, that store from Mean Girls?!
  4. Okay, that was total bullshit, onto TopShop.  Kari said they have cute suits there.
  5. Uhm… okay, that display shirt looks like it could fit a dog.
  6. Wait, is it for a dog?  Do they have dog clothes here, so cu… oh, wait.  Nope.  That’s for a human.  A tiny, tiny adult human.
  7. Okay, calm down, just make a beeline for the bathing suits.
  8. That one is cute!  I like the blue ruffles.
  9. Size 2, Size 2, Size 2, Size 4, Size 4… is that it?  HOW CAN THAT BE IT??
  10. Let’s try this one with the yellow zig zags.
  11. Size 2, Size 2, Size 2, Size 2, Size 0?!  Who puts the size 0 at the back?  What a sick joke.
  12. I’m leaving.
  13. Nooooo, come on, don’t give up yet!  They have to have your size somewhere, maybe it’s just really picked over.
  14. Alright, here we go!  This one is cute, and they have my size!  Hooray!
  15. And in this one!  And this one!
  16. Wait, when did I pick up 9 things?  That was fast.
  17. Do dressing rooms have security cameras?  I’ve always wondered that.
  18. Like, it would be totally illegal, right?  But still, I wonder…
  19. These bottoms make my legs look like vienna sausages.  Gross.
  20. Why are “bottoms” plural, even though there’s only one of them?
  21. Same for “pants”?  Who thought that up?  The guy who came up with the pronunciation for “colonel”?
  22. This one’s not bad… except the boob cups are for 12 year olds!  How does a size 6 bathing suit have a size 0 cup?  HOW, DAMMIT?
  23. Oooh, high-waisted black bottoms!  Taylor Swift would approve.
  24. Cause baby now we got baaaad bloooood… goddammit that song has been in my head for a full week.
  25. I LOVE THIS TOP.  The flowers, the fabric, the fit.  LOVE IT.
  26. Ugh.  Cellulite.  Gross.
  27. No, shut up, not gross!  Everyone has cellulite, remember?  You’re normal!
  28. My arms though.  So fat.  Why would I ever wear this in public?
  29. Because you’re a human being and you deserve to be comfortable in your own skin, remember?
  30. Yeah… yeah!  I do deserve to feel comfortable!
  31. It’s so hard though…
  32. I don’t want anyone to see me…
  33. You listen to me, lady!  You’re going to buy yourself this adorable bathing suit with your hard-earned money and you’re going to LIKE IT.
  34. You’re beautiful and amazing and you FUCKING GOT THIS.
  35. I do, huh!  I fucking got this!  Watch out world… I’m going to wear a BIKINI!  IN PUBLIC!
  36. I might not look perfect, but at least I’ll look like me.
  37. If anyone else doesn’t like it, they can go fuck themselves 😉


4 thoughts on “37 Thoughts I Had While Buying A Bikini

  1. This was really helpful because you inspired a character in one of my short stories. I’ll share it on my blog soon!

    Also you look great in a bikini and if anyone disagrees they can go fuck themselves 😉


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