As you might have picked up from my blog, I live in San Diego (a.k.a. beach central). I’ve spent the majority of my life in coastal towns, and yet I have gone many full years without ever going to the beach or getting in a pool. I always say it’s because I don’t like the beach, but that’s not entirely truthful. I could do without the sand for sure, but I really do love being near the ocean. The crashing waves, the people watching, the familiar din of a crowded beach front… it’s breathtaking.
So what keeps me away? What could possibly make a California girl, so obsessed with her golden state that she got it tattooed on her arm, stay away from the main costal attraction? You guessed it – the bathing suit thing. “Thing” isn’t the right word exactly… it’s more like an “ordeal”. An ordeal that can quickly send me down a spiraling tunnel of anxiety and terror. As I’ve talked about in my other posts, I have suffered from eating disorders for many years, as well as a form of body dysmorphia, meaning I can’t see my body the way others do. A thousand people could tell me that my arms look just like normal arms, and I would swear that every last one of them was lying right to my face.
There’s no quick answer or cure for getting over this – I’m simply trying little by little. Challenging myself here and there, so eventually things don’t seem so dire. Basically, it’s self-inflicted exposure therapy. The reason I keep pushing myself is because the further my recovery progresses, the more fully-formed glimpses I have of what life can be like addiction-free. And let me tell you, it’s a beautiful, brightly-colored world full of amazing possibilities. My eating disorder only lets me see it through a pane of extremely thick glass so that everything becomes pale and distorted. Slowly though, I’m chipping away.
The reason I write about it publicly is because it’s very likely that others are going through the exact same thing. I put myself out there in case of a needed connection. If you’re reading this and you need one, just know – I’m here.
So that brings me to today’s topic – buying a bathing suit! I actually managed to accomplish that insane feat today – in fact, I bought a bikini! I gotta say, I’m feeling pretty proud of myself right about now. Then I thought, why don’t I challenge myself even more and post some photos in my new bikini? People do it every day! But something in the back of my mind was telling me I didn’t deserve to post bikini photos because, obviously, I’m not anywhere near in shape. Cue the chain reaction of anxiety and doubt.
Albus Dumbledore once said, “Fear of a name only increases fear of the thing itself.” As long as I keep fearing the idea of people seeing me in a bathing suit, the scarier the actual act will be. So I decided to just go for it! And I thought I’d add some humor to it as well, kind of like facing a boggart. Below, please enjoy a list of 37 thoughts I had while buying a bikini. If I can wear a bikini, so can you 🙂
37 Thoughts I Had While Buying A Bikini
- Ugh, the mall is such a weird place. Will malls even exist in 100 years? They’re just so weird.
- Ooh, this boutique sells bikinis! Never heard of it, but I guess I’ll look.
- Literally everything in here is a size 0 or 2. What is this, that store from Mean Girls?!
- Okay, that was total bullshit, onto TopShop. Kari said they have cute suits there.
- Uhm… okay, that display shirt looks like it could fit a dog.
- Wait, is it for a dog? Do they have dog clothes here, so cu… oh, wait. Nope. That’s for a human. A tiny, tiny adult human.
- Okay, calm down, just make a beeline for the bathing suits.
- That one is cute! I like the blue ruffles.
- Size 2, Size 2, Size 2, Size 4, Size 4… is that it? HOW CAN THAT BE IT??
- Let’s try this one with the yellow zig zags.
- Size 2, Size 2, Size 2, Size 2, Size 0?! Who puts the size 0 at the back? What a sick joke.
- I’m leaving.
- Nooooo, come on, don’t give up yet! They have to have your size somewhere, maybe it’s just really picked over.
- Alright, here we go! This one is cute, and they have my size! Hooray!
- And in this one! And this one!
- Wait, when did I pick up 9 things? That was fast.
- Do dressing rooms have security cameras? I’ve always wondered that.
- Like, it would be totally illegal, right? But still, I wonder…
- These bottoms make my legs look like vienna sausages. Gross.
- Why are “bottoms” plural, even though there’s only one of them?
- Same for “pants”? Who thought that up? The guy who came up with the pronunciation for “colonel”?
- This one’s not bad… except the boob cups are for 12 year olds! How does a size 6 bathing suit have a size 0 cup? HOW, DAMMIT?
- Oooh, high-waisted black bottoms! Taylor Swift would approve.
- Cause baby now we got baaaad bloooood… goddammit that song has been in my head for a full week.
- I LOVE THIS TOP. The flowers, the fabric, the fit. LOVE IT.
- Ugh. Cellulite. Gross.
- No, shut up, not gross! Everyone has cellulite, remember? You’re normal!
- My arms though. So fat. Why would I ever wear this in public?
- Because you’re a human being and you deserve to be comfortable in your own skin, remember?
- Yeah… yeah! I do deserve to feel comfortable!
- It’s so hard though…
- I don’t want anyone to see me…
- You listen to me, lady! You’re going to buy yourself this adorable bathing suit with your hard-earned money and you’re going to LIKE IT.
- You’re beautiful and amazing and you FUCKING GOT THIS.
- I do, huh! I fucking got this! Watch out world… I’m going to wear a BIKINI! IN PUBLIC!
- I might not look perfect, but at least I’ll look like me.
- If anyone else doesn’t like it, they can go fuck themselves 😉